I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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