he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
