When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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