the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
