I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
