On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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