I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
