You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
