Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
