no you cant smoke seaweed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
