She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
