just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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