Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
