You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
