They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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