Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.