It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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