Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!