Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
