and she was petting her beer can
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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