No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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