took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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