You just made me feel so damn special
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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