Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
