No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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