I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
