remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
