Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
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Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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