I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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