I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
