sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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