I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
