My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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