when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
