the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mom said you looked used
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
