At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
