You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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