idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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