no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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