I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
