i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
