theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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