Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
