Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
