I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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