I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
