I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
a search helicopter?!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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