my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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