i think my tv is drunk
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
