is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
