Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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