Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sarcasm needs its own font
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
