dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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