In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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