I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
