DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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