I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
